284 posts tagged funny
284 posts tagged funny
Sure, our new Eagle Talons look fantastic with our Eagle Mask, but we think they are just as amazing on their own. So, we came up with a list of things that are WAY MORE AWESOME when you’re wearing Eagle Talons. As you can see, listening to metal music, perching, teaching, picking pumpkins, being surprised, doing customer service, eating lunch and even playing prog-rock on multiple keyboards are all improved by having talons.
You remind me of the babe.
The babe with the power.
The power of voodoo.
Somewhere in the wilds of Chicago there’s a babysitter looking for work, an awesome babysitter, and his name is Jareth, the Goblin King. You’ll notice that all of the contact info tabs at the bottom of this ad have been torn off. Jareth’s magical services are in high demand in the Windy City.
Photo by Ginger Fish
[via Nerd Approved]
"To chap, or not to chap - that is the question…"
A question you can answer with our Shakespearean Lip Balm Set! You get Hamlet (with bonus piece of Yorick), Shakespeare and Macbeth (or as we call it: the Scottish balm). They are ready to make your mouth as moist as Desdemona’s hand in Act 3, Scene 4 of Othello.
American humorous illustrator Rodney Pike has undertaken an awesomely silly project. He’s been using his Photoshop skills to insert the singularly goofy face of British entertainer Rowan Atkinson in character as Mr. Bean into a variety of portraits by the Old Masters. Judging by the lacy panties held in the hands of Thomas Howard (top image), painted by Hans Holbein the Younger in 1539, Pike sometimes tinkers with more than the faces in the portraits.
If it weren’t for the befuddled expression forever worn on Mr. Bean’s face, these images could be a taste of additional series of Blackadder we’ve always wanted.
The latest addition the Archie McPhee Library is a sidesplittingly funny and tremendously educational book entitled Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-BS Guide to World Mythology [Buy on Amazon], written by Cory O’Brien. This hysterical book is a collection of some of the very best stories from O’Brien’s awesome Better Myths blog. O’Brien loves mythology. He’s an MFA writing program student at the School of the Art Institute of Chicago who’s made a riotous art form out of retelling ancient tales in a candid, no-nonsense, conversational and sometimes quite shouty style.
O’Brien’s goal: To learn everything possible about myths, chop out the BS, and leave readers with an uncensored version of the tales.
O’Brien’s humorous yet insightful interpretations of ancient tales from all over the world read as though they’re being told to you over drinks by your best friend who happens to be immortal and, thanks to their inherent nosiness and an uncanny sense of good timing, has witnessed all sorts of truly, literally incredible events firsthand.
"All our lives, we’ve been fed watered-down, PC versions of the classic myths. In reality, mythology is more screwed up than a schizophrenic shaman doing hits of unidentified… wait, it all makes sense now. In Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes, Cory O’Brien, creator of Myths RETOLD!, sets the stories straight. These are rude, crude, totally sacred texts told the way they were meant to be told: loudly, and with lots of four-letter words.”
The table of contents alone is well worth the price of the book. Here are a few gems:
Cronus liked to eat babies.
Odin got construction discounts with bestiality.
Isis had bad taste in jewelry.
Ganesh was the very definition of an unplanned pregnancy.
And Abraham was totally cool about stabbing his kid in the face.
The Mayans have the most brutal Calendar.
The moon is made of meat.
As for the actual stories, here’s the very beginning of the myth of Persephone, entitled “Persephone Is the Mother of Invention…No, Wait…”:
So persephone is the daughter of this chick Demeter
who is the goddess of like fertility and crops and whatnot
and she is also incredibly hot
so hot, in fact
that hades down in the underworld (which is also called hades actually)
looks up one day and sees her and goes DAAAAAAAAAAA
I gotta get me some of that
so he just pops on up to the world in his black chariot of ultimate wretchedness
and he says hey little girl do you want to come to hell
and she probably would have said no only he kidnapped her
basically hades is the ultimate ladies’ man…
And this is the beginning of a Native American myth entitled “Rabbit Takes Summer Fun to the Next Level”:
See, once upon a time the sun used to be even more of a bastard than it is now.
It would take a flying leap off the horizon in the morning
and then spend the rest of the day
doing flaming kickflips of disaster off the clouds.
But one day
Rabbit decides he has had enough of this nonsense.
He is trying to get his chill on
in the shade of a shady oak tree
but the sun is just pretty much PRYING THE SHADOWS STRAIGHT OFF HIM
and then BAKING THE CANCER INTO HIS SKIN
Anyway, Rabbit is not about to take guff
from some puffed-up ball of superheated hases
so he grabs his gun
and he starts walking…
There are so many myths from so many different cultures contained within this book that you’re guaranteed to read stories about mythological figures you’ve never heard of before. Also, based on how much this book makes us laugh out loud, we advise that it’s probably not the best choice to bring along and read during solemn occasions.
We’re also willing to guess that more than a few head librarians have soundproofed rooms just for people who want to read Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes at the library.
[Cover image from Chicagoist]
Illuminati Air Freshener - We know it’s tempting to blame an ancient conspiracy of mysterious power brokers when your car stinks like a mix of old Taco Bell and a gym locker, but it’s probably your own fault. This air freshener makes your car smell like musky old power while also identifying you as someone who knows what’s REALLY going on.