278 posts tagged funny
278 posts tagged funny
The latest addition the Archie McPhee Library is a sidesplittingly funny and tremendously educational book entitled Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-BS Guide to World Mythology [Buy on Amazon], written by Cory O’Brien. This hysterical book is a collection of some of the very best stories from O’Brien’s awesome Better Myths blog. O’Brien loves mythology. He’s an MFA writing program student at the School of the Art Institute of Chicago who’s made a riotous art form out of retelling ancient tales in a candid, no-nonsense, conversational and sometimes quite shouty style.
O’Brien’s goal: To learn everything possible about myths, chop out the BS, and leave readers with an uncensored version of the tales.
O’Brien’s humorous yet insightful interpretations of ancient tales from all over the world read as though they’re being told to you over drinks by your best friend who happens to be immortal and, thanks to their inherent nosiness and an uncanny sense of good timing, has witnessed all sorts of truly, literally incredible events firsthand.
"All our lives, we’ve been fed watered-down, PC versions of the classic myths. In reality, mythology is more screwed up than a schizophrenic shaman doing hits of unidentified… wait, it all makes sense now. In Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes, Cory O’Brien, creator of Myths RETOLD!, sets the stories straight. These are rude, crude, totally sacred texts told the way they were meant to be told: loudly, and with lots of four-letter words.”
The table of contents alone is well worth the price of the book. Here are a few gems:
Cronus liked to eat babies.
Odin got construction discounts with bestiality.
Isis had bad taste in jewelry.
Ganesh was the very definition of an unplanned pregnancy.
And Abraham was totally cool about stabbing his kid in the face.
The Mayans have the most brutal Calendar.
The moon is made of meat.
As for the actual stories, here’s the very beginning of the myth of Persephone, entitled “Persephone Is the Mother of Invention…No, Wait…”:
So persephone is the daughter of this chick Demeter
who is the goddess of like fertility and crops and whatnot
and she is also incredibly hot
so hot, in fact
that hades down in the underworld (which is also called hades actually)
looks up one day and sees her and goes DAAAAAAAAAAA
I gotta get me some of that
so he just pops on up to the world in his black chariot of ultimate wretchedness
and he says hey little girl do you want to come to hell
and she probably would have said no only he kidnapped her
basically hades is the ultimate ladies’ man…
And this is the beginning of a Native American myth entitled “Rabbit Takes Summer Fun to the Next Level”:
See, once upon a time the sun used to be even more of a bastard than it is now.
It would take a flying leap off the horizon in the morning
and then spend the rest of the day
doing flaming kickflips of disaster off the clouds.
But one day
Rabbit decides he has had enough of this nonsense.
He is trying to get his chill on
in the shade of a shady oak tree
but the sun is just pretty much PRYING THE SHADOWS STRAIGHT OFF HIM
and then BAKING THE CANCER INTO HIS SKIN
Anyway, Rabbit is not about to take guff
from some puffed-up ball of superheated hases
so he grabs his gun
and he starts walking…
There are so many myths from so many different cultures contained within this book that you’re guaranteed to read stories about mythological figures you’ve never heard of before. Also, based on how much this book makes us laugh out loud, we advise that it’s probably not the best choice to bring along and read during solemn occasions.
We’re also willing to guess that more than a few head librarians have soundproofed rooms just for people who want to read Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes at the library.
[Cover image from Chicagoist]
Illuminati Air Freshener - We know it’s tempting to blame an ancient conspiracy of mysterious power brokers when your car stinks like a mix of old Taco Bell and a gym locker, but it’s probably your own fault. This air freshener makes your car smell like musky old power while also identifying you as someone who knows what’s REALLY going on.
Instead of doing a Christmas sweater this year, we decided to do a Halloween sweater. So, here’s the Edgar Allan Poe Sweater! Featuring an honest, but misguided attempt to accurately capture the likeness of Edgar Allan Poe, this sweater is sure to be a conversation piece with you and your friends as you play with a Ouija board and read poetry from your tear-stained journal. This one-size-fits-most sweater is sausage-casing-tight on a 2XL person and awkwardly loose on a medium frame. 100% Acrylic. Buy it fast these won’t last long!!
We wanted to illustrate a few more uses for our new Finger Hands. As you can see, there’s the high twenty-five, impractical shoe tying, tiny business handshakes, adorable multi-handed peekaboo, a way to look even smarter stroking your beard, guitar moves Eddie Van Halen couldn’t handle, a better way to brush your bangs out of your eyes and a true grip on your glass of water.
We consider this proof you should buy some right now. Really, you need them.
Finger Hands - Hey dude, did you ever wonder what it would look like if your fingers had tiny hands on the end as if they were arms? It’s a freak out! This set of five irresistible soft vinyl finger puppets fit snugly on the end of your fingers and look like a quintet of tiny right hands. Now you can give a high twenty-five.
Thanks to an awesome visionary known only as the GIGABEETLE, we’re learning that, when he isn’t busy battling Kaiju, Godzilla has a very active social life. There’s cosplay and gaming and dancing and coloring and exercising and so much more.
Bigfoot Ornament - In search of the perfect Christmas Ornament? If there’s one thing Bigfoot knows, it’s how to use pine trees as camouflage. So, we recommend you hide this ornament on your Christmas tree and then have a contest to see who can find him first. He can also stand on his own if you’re not into that whole “hanging” thing, man.